Hello baby, We love you. We are so proud. Today was our first day starting from home. We slept in our bed and that helped Mommy and me tremendously. We started the day well rested; turns out, we needed our rest. It was tough getting big sis to daycare and making it to rounds on time, but we did it! Rowan was great this morning. She constantly reminds everyone of her new big sister status. It’s pretty adorable. She went to daycare and had a good day. We went to rounds and things were good. All of your stats were going as usual, and you were showing your strength. Afterwards, mom and I shared breakfast at the cafeteria and met with a child life specialist from the hospital. She was extremely helpful and gave great advice on helping Rowan adjust. Rowan’s life has been a little turned upside down from mom’s 10 day hospital stay and all the attention we want to give you. She is showing her strength and adjusting well, too. Mom had an appointment across town and I met a coworker and long time friend to talk with and introduce to you. He is a father of three and it helped discussing fatherhood and all its glory and struggles. Mom’s appointment ran long and she was late for 11 touch time and had to miss it. She was a little frustrated and I felt bad for it. We also forgot pumping supplies at home and had to drive home immediately after touch time. We warmed up leftovers and I stared at the ceiling, already exhausted from the day. Mom pumped away. I told her I had a headache and needed to lay down for a nap. She took time to clean and fold laundry and run errands. I overslept for 3 o’clock touch time. She made it. We met at home and she started pumping and I needed to run errands and get dinner stuff. She didn’t have time to rest, even though she desperately needed it. After all, she is still recovering from major surgery, AND woke up at 530 am to pump and start getting ready for the day. She needed to pick up Ro from daycare, pump, and get back to her mom’s for the dinner I still needed to buy for and prepare. We finally asked Judson to pick you up and meet us there. I forgot to run my errands and just bought dinner. I started cooking pizzas and, after the first one, needed grandma to finish them so Mom and I could get to your 7:00 pm touch time. We had to leave before Judson and Rowan made it over.
Touch time was great.Your nurse told us that your blood oxygen stats had been falling steadily throughout the day and they had to turn you ventilator oxygen up a lot over the day. We also remembered tomorrow your first head ultrasound was scheduled to look for a brain bleed. This is a huge deal. Many babies your size have brain bleeds in the first week. The babies who make it through the first 7 – 10 days without one, though, are at a much lower risk for ever developing one. They can cause all sorts of developmental problems and even be life threatening. We are both frightened and anxious for the results. During touch time you looked at us again with both eyes and we melted. Mom couldn’t stop crying, she was so happy. It was beautiful and totally lifted our spirits after an exhausting day and a little tough news. We headed back to grandmas to spend what little time we had left with Rowan. There, Judson and Rowan and grandma waited and we had a great time. We ate a little left over pizza. Mom was so tired I was concerned letting her drive home. So we left my car there, asked grandma to keep big sis overnight, and headed home.
Mom and I laid in bed exhausted staring at the ceiling. We both knew right then there was no chance to go through this without help. Day one from home and we both had no energy left. Nothing. We were empty of emotion, zombies. All along we have had crowds of people and organizations offering help and we replied thank you but we are alright. I think that was out of habit and pride. We can’t do this alone. We know that now. So we planned for the next day to talk with social workers, march of dimes, Ronald McDonald house and close friends and family to the help we need.
I feel bad we didn’t accept the help earlier. We would have done better for you and Rowan today if we had. So, please remember people love you and want to help. Know its a privilege to help loved ones in need. Don’t let ego or cliche answers of “we are fine, thanks” to ever get in the way of accepting love. We all need it. Everyone does. Humanity, community, and family are special and amazing. Use them. Accept love. Mom and Dad love you and you make us proud. I hope your brain ultrasound goes well tomorrow.
Letters to Holland 