Author: letterstoholland

Hello Baby, you had another great day! You did well with your bottles today. I think in the last 2 days you have done over 50% of your formula by bottle. You have also handed being off oxygen very well for 2-3 days without issue. You gained 54 g and weigh in at 5 lbs 9 oz. Everyone around here is excited and happy with your advances. All the nurses ask about you and I can tell they are preparing for you leaving. They all say they love you and will miss you. I know its true. You get other nurses just stopping into see you everyday. I am actually going to miss this place a lot. So much love and support in these halls. It is a beautiful place that is full of miracles. You are so loved; by the staff here, by your family and by our friends. You have hundreds of people praying and supporting you daily. The world outside these halls awaits you with open arms.

Hello Baby!!!! You have been doing so well. Sorry I’ve been too busy to write much lately, I have been talking to you a lot lately. You keep growing, not quite as quickly as you were, but that’s okay. You weigh in at 5 lbs 6 oz. Your feedings are going well. You average percentage has dropped lately, but I am pretty sure that’s because we have adjusted your formula and bottle nipples to try and find what you like best. You actually ate your full 45 ml bottle this morning. That’s the most you’e ever had. So, I am expecting you to really take off this week.

We can really pick you up and hold you whenever we want now. It’s so fun. Mommy and Sis came in and gave you a bath yesterday. Everyone loved it. Everyone loves you. Keep up the great work and we will be home in “Just One Sec!”

Hello Baby, I’m back! I missed you so much. I thought about all the time while I was away. I also really enjoyed relaxing with my friends. I needed that trip as much as I’ve ever needed any break, but I am also totally happy to be home with you here in your room. You have grown up since I last saw you. Immediately,  I knew you were bigger. You now weigh in at 5 lbs 6 oz. You are well on your way to becoming a 6 lb baby. You re still on 20 ml of oxygen. You were off all oxygen for awhile, but since they reintubated you for your eye surgery, you have needed just a whiff. Your feeding is stable. The amount of food they give you per feeding is based on your  weight. So, it keeps increasing as you grow. The average amount you eat also increases, but the percentage of  you feeds you eat are stable. So you are improving, even though you are still taking about half of your food by bottle.  They have warned us  over and over that, for parents the last few weeks get frustrating, because you are so ready to go  home and your baby looks like they can go home. So, we are forced to be patient. It is something we will both be focused on. We love you bunches.  I love being back in you room with you.

Today is my last day in the captain’s chair here at Letters to Holland. You dad comes home today and I’m sure he’s missed talking to you, so I’m going to hand the reigns back over to him. I’ve thrown a lot of stuff you at the past couple days, so today I’ll try to keep it simple and talk to you from my heart, from where I stand today at this very moment.
I love you. I love your sister just the same. I love our family. There’s nothing I won’t do for this family of ours. It is the single most important thing in the world to me, and it’s the most important thing to you girls, as well. I promise you that I will fight for it in any and every way that I can, for you.
I want nothing more than to have you at home, with Mommy and Daddy and Ro, and to just….be. Our journey so far has been amazing, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it’s been trying. All the trials that have been given to us have taken their toll and we’re tired. There have been tears, lots of tears, and fear and frustration and joy and laughter and pain. There’s been uncertainty and hope and exhaustion. Most importantly, there has been growth. This journey we’ve come through has been hard, and we’ve faced things that would never have been imaginable a year ago. Things we didn’t see coming, things we didn’t know how to handle, things we didn’t even realize were happening as they did. Things that pushed Mommy and Daddy and you to the very edge of what we could withstand. Things we’re all still trying to recover from. But quitting, giving up, or walking away from our family, any one of us, is not an option.
When our life’s course demands we face obstacles and hardships such as we have lately, it’s natural to become exhausted, to want to give up. At times it can seem impossible that you’ll get through it or ever be the same, be normal, again. But you must always know, baby, that that’s not the truth. While you likely won’t ever be the same again (you’ll be better than you were when you started) you can always, always heal and make it through. You must stay focused. You must be careful to not succumb to discouragement and distractions; though tempting to do, that will only disillusion you, cloud your vision, and make things more difficult. Mommy has learned this lesson the hard way. Pull yourself back. Those hard times are building us, making us better. They’re part of the work we have to do to become our best selves. They are worth it. You are worth it. Our family is worth it.
Part of the miracle of your existence is the tremendous amount of growth it has inspired in me. You have changed the world. My world, at least. I will never be the same as I was before I met you. Having you has pushed me to grow even from things that happened before you were conceived. That growth hasn’t come easy or free, but I’m grateful for all of it. Now we look to the future, a calmer future that we’ve earned. To bringing you home and loving you. To enjoying one another. To watching you and your sister develop your relationship. To family snuggles in bed, laughing at your funny faces. To 3 am feedings, to your first laugh, to giving you a lemon wedge so Mommy and Daddy can laugh together at your reaction. (Babies with lemons is one the best things about life. Sorry kid, it’s happening.) To growing with you. To finally being able to exhale, look around, and say, “We made it.” The skies are clearing, you’re almost home, and I’m so ready to begin the next chapter, the one your daddy and I had hoped for when we were waiting for you to happen. You are so loved, Holland Rose, by all of us. We can’t wait to welcome you home.

Hi baby doll! It’s Mommy again today. There is still no new news to report on your condition, which means you’re killin’ it at being a baby. Everyone is thrilled with your progress, and we’re just waiting to bring you home now. Daddy is having a great time on his trip. He said he was “giddy” as he left yesterday. He needed this getaway, just as I needed my own time to reflect and recharge. Grown up life gets tough sometimes, babe. Remember to take a step back, take a breath, and come back to yourself. It’s far too easy to get swept away in the difficulties and irritations of everyday life and lose your focus, especially when you’re facing some pretty big things like we have been in recent months. Mommy is learning how important it is to take care of yourself. I’ll help you and your sister learn this, too.
Yesterday, I told you the story of our bumpy ride here, to today, and explained what a miracle you are. That can feel like a lot to live up to and a lot of pressure for one girl. Today, I want to be very clear, to both you and your sister, about one thing: Your story does not define you. Your journey here does not determine your place in this world. Your stories are yours, they’re part of who you are, and I hope you embrace them and take pride in them. But they do not do make you any more or any less valuable than anyone else in the world. Every single person on earth has their own story, some ordinary, some incredible. They are gifts to us, despite sometimes feeling otherwise, and it is a gift to others to share these stories. But know, girls, that our stories do not determine our worth. You are valuable simply because you are here and because you are you. You are loved simply because you are here and you are you.
It can be tempting to rank our value based on what has happened to us, by what path we take and how we compare to others. There may be times when you find yourself defining your value by the success you achieve, by the size of your pants or your bank account, by the friends or the job you have, or by the mistakes you have made, or, worst of all, by what someone else tells you your value is. As your mother, it’s essential that I help you understand and remember that those external things have absolutely no bearing on your worth. Let me say it again. You are intrinsically valuable simply because you are you.
The only job you really have in life is to be the best you that you can be. You, if you’re anything like me, may find yourself wanting or trying to control what happens around you. You might attempt to manipulate or influence certain situations, you might feel a need to overanalyze, overthink, categorize, or fix the happenings around you. Don’t. You control only yourself. This is a tough lesson to learn; Mommy is just now figuring it out. When you feel the impulse to do this, turn your attention inward. There is a natural design and order to this world, and it is our only duty and responsibility to work to become the best versions of ourselves so we can fulfill our role in it. The more you focus on what you can’t control, the further you get from your wonderful, perfectly designed, authentic self, and that’s a disservice to you and to the world around you. It will only complicate your life further. When you’re doing your work of becoming the you that you are meant to be, you will realize things are falling into place. You are here, with your stories, to be only the best and truest you, and THAT is what makes you valuable. I am so grateful that I get to watch you become who you will be. I love you both endlessly, and we’re so excited to continue to get to know you.

Hi sweet pea. Daddy is on his trip this weekend, so Mommy is filling in for him. Since you’re doing so remarkably well these days there’s not much about your status to remark upon, so I thought it was a good opportunity for you to get to hear a little from me. This may be long, because I’d like to tell you how you got here. It was quite a journey, a special and difficult one, that brought you to us.
​First of all, my sweet girl, you are a miracle. In every sense of the word. I don’t think Daddy has told you yet, but you were never really even supposed to be here. Or at least that’s the impression we were under before you came along. See, Mommy has had lots of problems with the parts of my body that made you. One year ago today, my uterus hemorrhaged unexpectedly and inexplicably. I had recently had surgery to address a condition called endometriosis, and at first we thought I might be experiencing a complication from that. But the bleeding was more than intense so an ambulance took me to the hospital, where I stayed for a few days and got a blood transfusion. I very nearly had an emergency hysterectomy. That’s where the doctors remove the uterus, which is where babies grow inside of their mommies. (Your daddy, by the way, is not quite as tough as he seems to be… he was a crying mess while mommy laid in the hospital bed, nearly bleeding to death, consoling him. Don’t let him fool you, he’s softer than he thinks. He’s also harder than he thinks. But he’s got a big heart, especially when it comes to you.)
Anyway, instead, I opted for a terribly painful procedure to stop the hemorrhaging, in large part because your daddy and I were hoping you might come along some day. But after that incident, and learning that my fallopian tubes were blocked, we truly didn’t believe it could happen. And then… it did.
​Daddy was at work when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was so nervous and anxious to tell him that I didn’t sleep at all the whole night. When he got home in the morning, he made us tea and sat down on the couch with me. We had gotten into our biggest argument to date before he had gone to work, so things were a little tense, but I was bursting with excitement to tell him. While he talking, I pulled out one pregnancy test, and then four more, announcing your impending arrival. Again, Daddy cried. So did Mommy. “Is this real?” he asked me with tears in his eyes. I nodded. Sitting on his lap, I asked him how he felt. He said, “I feel… taken care of. I’m so, so happy.” We sat like that and cried for a while, in disbelief and awe that we were getting you, a much wished for addition to our family.
​It wasn’t quite as easy as we thought it would be, though. You were nothing like your sister during pregnancy. I had a really tough time while you were growing in me. Sometimes pregnancy can do strange and unpleasant things to people, and this time I had lots of those things. I got very depressed (not because of you, just because growing a person throws lots of stuff off balance), I was very scared I may not be capable of handling the great responsibility of raising TWO wonderful girls, I was sick a lot, and I was not pleasant to be around. Your daddy will confirm this. Sometimes, I didn’t think I could make it. I wanted to give up. I cried and argued and fought. A lot. (And threw up, also a lot.) I was not nice to your daddy. It was a very difficult time. To be honest, Mommy is just now recovering from it. I think maybe you knew how hard it was on all of us, because you decided to make your way out much, much, MUCH earlier than you were supposed to.
​On a Monday afternoon, the last week of January, I woke up on the bathroom floor. I had no idea how I had gotten there; the last thing I remembered was putting leftover McAlister’s lunch in the fridge to finish later. Once I came to and oriented myself, I stood up, shakily, and went to the toilet. I sat down and realized I was bleeding, much heavier than any mother hopes to when she’s got a baby growing in her. I panicked and called your dad at work, sobbing, and told him “I’m bleeding, it’s happening again, I’ve lost her!” I rushed to the hospital. (Actually, I mopped the blood off the bathroom floor first because I was crazy and didn’t want to leave a mess for your dad to have to clean up. He’s squeamish about blood sometimes and I hate dirty floors.) Daddy met me at the hospital, where we stayed for 10 days. The doctors and nurses determined you were still there, very much alive and ok. We still don’t know exactly what happened, but the theory is that my blood pressure dropped, causing me to pass out, and the resulting fall tore your placenta from the wall of my uterus. They kept me on monitors to watch your heartrate and for contractions until Saturday, February 4th.
We were getting ready to be discharged and go home, where I was to stay on modified bed rest to keep you snuggled in in there. Daddy had gone down to get us breakfast before we left, and I went to the bathroom. I felt something strange. I went straight back to my bed and called for a nurse, who called for a doctor. Dad got back to the room just in time for the doctor to take a quick look and announce, “We’re going to the delivery room.” We both spiraled in fear and uncertainty, terrified of losing you. What I had felt was your foot; you were trying to walk right out of me. I cried and cried, and so did Daddy. All I could say was “she’s not ready, she’s not ready” while they prepped me for an emergency c-section. I was 24 weeks along with you, and I just prayed and begged and pleaded for you to make it. But, truthfully, I didn’t have much faith that you would. But you, baby… you made it. You made it through everything. You made it through my broken parts to be conceived. You made it through the hardest pregnancy I could imagine. You made it through my weakness and instability I put us through during the pregnancy. You made it through the fall. You made it through my twisted uterus. (Literally, the doctors said when they opened me up to take you out that my uterus was twisted like a Twizzler.) You made it through your traumatic birth, into this world, where you made it through those extraordinarily difficult first few days, weeks, months, and into the hearts of everyone who knows you.
You are a miracle.
See, every step of the way, you had all the odds stacked against you. It was hard, for all of us, so hard we almost didn’t get through it. But we fought, and your father and I have been blessed with the incredible gift of watching a real life miracle unfold before our very eyes. And the best part is that YOU, that miracle, are ours, and we get to bring you home with us. You are worth every moment of the pain and hardship our journey sometimes gave us. You are an inspiration. You changed the very foundation of who I am through the experience of bringing you here. Thank you for your strength, determination, and your endless will to keep fighting. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine.

Hello Baby, you had another great two days! I feel bad there is so little to say these days! You are just doing so great! You now weigh 5 lbs 2 oz. Your feeding is stable. The doctors have recommended a slight change in your food. It will be the same nutrition but it will be thicker now. They are hoping this helps you learn quickly. Your Nana helped give you a bath last night! You like bath time and time with Nana, so you had a blast. I have to tell you, I am going away this weekend with so friends on a mini vacation. So, I won’ see you at all Saturday. I will be able to see you Friday and Sunday though.  I’m sure Mommy will make up for my lost time. I am really looking forward to it. I think its just what I need. I am very lucky to have such a good group of friends. I really cherish our time together. You should always make having good friends a priority, they make life better. I love you and can’t wait to bring you home.

Hello Baby, you had another great day! You gained 32 g and now weigh in at 5 lbs 0 oz. You are a 5 pounder! Wow! If you were a bass, we could mount you on a plaque and  put you on the wall. You are 5 times as big as your lowest weight. like Voltron (google it), one giant powerful baby made up of 5 little babies. It is  crazy to think about your growth. In less than three months you are five times bigger. I am totally comfortable taking home a 5 lb baby. Your bottle feeds continue to go well. The doctors lowered the calorie density of your formula. This will help with digestion,  and they are now comfortable doing it since you grow so well.

You had a wonderful visitor, my friends Jill and Betsy. You may remember Betsy drew you a picture of what it looks like outside since you can’t go outside yet. You enjoyed meeting them both. Rowan came up after dance and held you and then helped Betsy hold you. She was proud to show off her sister. You loved having visitors and were wide awake while we took turns holding you and talking to you. Thanks for being so awesome. Everyone just loves seeing you grow. You are a beautiful little miracle.

Hello Baby, you had another great weekend! You and Big Sis got to see each other a lot. She came and saw you both days. She got to hold you and kiss you. She also licked your head multiple times. She would laugh every time she did it. She would also give you her finger for you to hold lots. You clamped on and she again laughed. She already loves you, and your guys love for each other will continue to grow. Mommy was pretty blown away with joy seeing you two hang out and be sisters. She told me “My heart exploded and I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know I could feel that much love!” It was one of the best moments of her life.  I really enjoyed it too. I’m so thankful you have such a cool older sister, trust me I know, having one is a blessing.

You gained a bunch of weight and continued to improve on you bottle feeds. You officially weigh in at 4 lbs 15 oz. Tomorrow is gonna be another milestone! You are continuing to poop for me, and eat for Mommy. Whatever, it doesn’t bother me. You grunt a lot these days. I think that’s pretty cool, pretty sure that comes from me. I’ve been pretty grunty all my life. So, just to keep tally, you get your double chin and gruntiness from me. You’re welcome. You also turned 12 weeks old, and are still over three weeks from your due date. The doctors always keep a pretty low amount of optimism, and don’t talk of expectations and stick to current situations and treatments, but one of them told me the other day she thinks we will celebrate you due date from home. Let’s hope so. Love you bunches, you are doing so well. Keep kickin’ butt. 

Hello Baby, you had another great day. You surpassed my expectations again. When will I learn? You did not lose weight as I had hypothesized, instead you gained another 14 g and now weigh in at 4 lbs 12 oz. That’s darn near a 5 lb baby. Good job.  Sooner or later, I will learn that my expectations are not your limits, and to not put boundaries on your success. Your bottle feeds have gone very well. You seem to like pooping when I try to feed you and eating for nurses and Mommy. That is fine, I will try not to take that as an insult. I just make you poop, I guess we all have our own parenting roles. Everything is going so well. One of the doctors even mentioned that you may be discharged prior to your May 22 due date.