Letters to Holland

Hey babe, I love you. You had another good day babe. You are so strong. You make me proud. We started off with diaper time and rounds this morning.I really enjoy both. Everything was good from the drs. You had Dr Vash again today. I like that guy. You weighed in a 1 lb even today, they say it is normal to lose a little weight, so no worries. We are learning a lot about your care everyday, it is interesting. They gave you someone else’s blood today. I think that’s a first. Someone  else who loved you and hasn’t met you. Lots of ways to love people baby. Don’t forget that. We had a moment to talk to Dr Vash after rounds and he explained more. I tried to ask him about your chances of coming home someday and he quickly stopped me and said no. “Don’t do that. No one else’s survival or not has anything to do with yours. You aren’t a statistic. You are your own baby. They will do everything and look to do anything they can to help, but this is between you and God. You are in God’s hands.” He warned us against reading too much about other babies or statistics and to just enjoy our time. He said there will be ups and downs, but every day you are with us is a good day. The staff will handle your medical care and we are your parents. That’s our role, to love you. I told your mom how much I like your Dr. and she made me promise not to hug him, I will try, no promises. Your mom and I handle stress in different ways. It’s been fun. We are as close as ever. We’ve spent virtually every moment together for 10 days and grown stronger everyday. She is a great mom I can’t wait for you to know her better.

You’ve had this great nurse a lot named Alysa, probably the wrong spelling. She and the whole staff around here love you too. You can see it on their faces. They love you everyday. You are surrounded by love. One of the nurses told us today about sniffies. These are little pieces of soft cloth, maybe 4 in x 4 in. Mom and I can take them and keep them on us near our skin and we drop them off and put them in your bed with you. You smell them and get to know us and it helps you relax. These are my favorite. I am wearing one now on my neck. Its another way for us to care for you. They make us happy. I’ve been showering more regularly out of consideration for you. Your welcome. It’s probably better for everyone. You got to meet Papa Ken today. He came with Nana. They love you and prayed for you in your room. My crew at the fire station came by to visit with me. I have a lot of support from work. It helps. Today was a good day with you. I think mom may get discharged from the hospital tomorrow. She is walking much better. We both look forward to being in our bed at home. It is a little scary for us to not be in the same building as you for the first time, but it is a step we have to take. We both love you. You make us both proud.

Hey Baby,

I love you. Today was another great day. Your Uncle Alex got to see you, Kathy of the Bill and Kathy saw you, 3 of moms besties came by: Janssen, and Lindsey and Cait. Everyone loved you and it’s fun for mom and me to show you off. We also had some big milestones. You got fed breast milk for the first time, and mommy made breast milk for you for the first time. You had been fed a mixture of glucose, amino acids and lipids (fats) so far. You were doing so well that the doctors decided to give you breast milk from mothers who have donated. Its cool even more people who haven’t even met you or heard about you are loving you in their own special way. Mommy had been pumping for a while now and until today had no milk coming out. Today we got maybe 5-10 ml total. It looks painful, I don’t envy mom. It also doesn’t sound or look like much, but her milk is still coming in, and they only feed you 1 ml a few times a day. She’s so excited to be producing breast milk for you finally. She still feels guilty for having to have you so early, and being able to give you her milk makes her feel like she’s able to help you and do something good and nurturing for you.

I have fallen victim to this new routine and change in priorities. I went to the cafeteria yesterday for breakfast and bumped into an old friend. We exchanged a big hug and updates on our family and she gave us very kind words. As I was sitting eating my breakfast alone, I realized I haven’t showered, shaved or changed clothes in a little too long. My clothes don’t really fit, as everything I am wearing is something someone brought by. I have bags under my eyes. I’ve been using your moms deodorant; they say strong enough for a man but ph balanced for a woman. That’ a lie, I smell terrible. I look and feel like a hobo, no disrespect to hobos, but I have a new respect for their lifestyle. I sleep in weird uncomfortable places, shower, brush my teeth and shave at times, but clearly not a top priority. I find myself walking around this hospital kind of lost sometimes. I make weird awkward conversations with people I don’t know. After all this I think I am gonna try  to help homeless shelters or advocacy groups. They need it. I have a deeper understanding of what they go through. Today’s post is not about me struggling, I am still loving every moment. I am sure this experience will turn into a grind at some point but as of now I’m floating on endorphins and the joys of fatherhood.

Hey Baby, I love you. Today was another day of first. I changed my first ever diaper; Mommy touched you for the first time and I fell more in love than I ever thought possible. I have a little routine down that helps make life less stressful. You will learn that I am a little over structured in times of stress. I hope some day you notice it and think it’s part annoying and part cute, just like your mom does, although she likes to be more verbal of the annoying part.

 

So in the morning I usually wake up about 530, you are always the first thing in my mind, I brush my teeth and walk down to the NICU family lounge. Here I journal about the previous day and pray and think of you. As I write this I am in the lounge enjoying mediocre coffee wondering about the story behind the guy asleep on this couch. I’ve seen him walking around here a few times. I’ve started recognizing parents and medical staff around and striking up more conversations. It’s been fun taking moments away from the routine to share stories.

 

I had a long talk with your doctor this morning. He seems extremely smart and nice. What he may lack in social norms I imagine he makes up for in brain power. His credentials are pretty long. We are trusting him and others to help you get healthy and big. I think he goes by Vish; he has a long name I can’t pronounce. I like him. You have 5 doctors that take 24hr shifts to plan your care. Every morning at 9, except Sundays they take rounds and meet with other doctors and specialist and go room by room meeting with family and explaining their plan. Mom and I are planning on being there for all of these.

 

My first meeting with him he started by making fun of me about passing out. He wasn’t there but the word got around I guess, awesome, really cool. He then told me about what to expect, ups, downs, good times, and bad. He didn’t sugar coat anything he was very direct. No one knows. Not even this Vish fella who is probably the smartest guy I’ve ever been near. That’s kind of the feeling we get, we just don’t know, it is scary but we are hopeful.  Vish tells me to be active in your care, change diapers, be at rounds to hear them and ask questions. So I tell myself I can do it and promise you to try my best.

 

I try to come see you every 4 hours when nurses take your vitals and change your diapers. Part of your care plan is to only disturb you with touch, light, or sound every 4 hours.  I make it to most, other than 11pm and 3am. I’m usually in a recliner sleeping next to your mom in her room. I showed you off a lot today. Every time we saw you you had new visitors. First was your aunt Erin and Uncle Eric and Nana at 11am, then grandma her friend Mickey, Judson and Rowan and Mommy!!! She was able to get out of bed to come see you and touch you. There are only 4 visitors allowed in your room at once, so I wasn’t there for the first time she touched you. I was a little bummed out about that, but I didn’t think about it until I sat outside the NICU when those 4 all went to see you. Judson was nice enough to come back with Rowan quickly and let me come in and see mommy touch you. I loved it. She was so happy to be with you. She was distraught over having to wait so long. I could see relief and love and joy all over her face. She was also scared and felt guilty for having you early. We all know it’s not her fault and reassured her. I think it helped. She loves you.

 

So today was Superbowl Sunday!!!! I doubt you care much about that, but i will tell you a bit about it anyways. The Falcons and Patriots played in one of the best games ever! The first overtime Superbowl game ever. I had a good time watching it. Your mother watched a show on her computer. The halftime show was Lady Gaga. People say it was good too, but I was in your room changing your diaper for the first time ever and your mom took your temperature under your arm. It was awesome, it made me feel like a useful dad. I always enjoy feeling useful. Your little butt crack is adorable. It was about as long as my pinky nail is wide. I loved it, lol. I love you. I love being a dad. You make me happy. I hope and pray one day you will have your own child and be able to feel this kind of love. I feel like i’m floating on clouds every time i see you.

 

Love. Love wins. Love is always the right decision. Let love guide you. Our country and our world has had a difficult, divisive, time lately. It’s been too full of anger, resentment, hate and petty differences keeping humanity separated. This experience with you has taught me one thing. I know it. People love each other. People are good. Love is the answer. We may forget that sometimes, but love will save us all. I love God and hope you will too someday. God loves you too. I’ve had countless people reach out and share their stories, love and prayers. You have hundreds of people loving, thinking and praying for you who haven’t met you. Love wins. People are good. Love will save us. I love you. Mom loves you. God Loves you. This world loves you. You deserve every ounce of it.  When you get older remember this.Devote your life to love and you will win.

 

Day 1, 2-4-17, Your birthday:

Hello baby,

Your mother and I got to meet you today. It was wonderful. You were an early surprise. We’ve been in the hospital since Monday. Your mother passed out and fell in the bathroom. She has a big bruise. The doctors think the fall tore your placenta and shook you around a little. Well your mother’s bleeding slowed over the days, but last night it picked up a little and your mother had some cramping. We still thought we were headed home today, we were told that yesterday too, but this morning you decided to try and fight your way out. I went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast and upon returning your mom told me “Something is coming out of me!!!” I assumed she meant blood or fluid but it turns out it was your foot. Now that seems a little funny but we were frightened. The doctor came in and after about a 5 second exam declared we were going to the delivery room.

At this point your mother and I freaked a bit. I remember just thinking just keep mom calm. I remember repeatedly saying to have faith and trust me and that you were gonna be OK. We were wheeled into the delivery room and they gave me scrubs to change into. I had a mask and everything. They wheeled mom into the OR for prep. I was able to go in a few minutes later. They had the sheet up and led me in by mom’s head. They had 8 or so people assisting with the C Section. They also had 6 people waiting with a little bed devoted to caring for you. I felt them pull you out of mom, I only caught a glimpse of you when they scooted by to place you on your bed. Immediately all of your team was performing. It looked complicated and not fun for you. They cleaned you up and started intubation and IVs within seconds. I returned focus to mom. Her and I were both crying uncontrollably. After a moment back with mom I wanted to take a closer glimpse at you. I was scared to  look closely. I had to pause and gather courage. I didn’t know how you were doing and I was frightened to my core. I stood up and took two steps only to collapse momentarily. I remember my butt hitting my heels as I came to. I hear a “He’s going down!” Coming from the herd of medical professionals congregating at your mom’s lower half. I was quickly returned to my stool at mom’s head. Seeing you had to wait. I was scared to death and had no idea what to do. I gathered strength it would take for the at most 8 step journey to see you. When I arrived I saw you. I didn’t know what to think other than fear. I didn’t know you would be that small. I dropped to my knees again but  this time fully aware and drowned in tears prayers and fear. I hadn’t felt the joy of fatherhood yet.I returned to mom and told her you looked great, I felt like I was lying and didn’t know what else to say.

Keeping an eye on you from the stool by mom’s head I noticed your team gathering you for  trip to NICU where you will stay for months to come. I was designated to come with you. I was helpless and had no way of helping you.I kept telling you “I LOVE YOU Holland, Your Daddy loves you over and over at a level I hoped you could hear but wouldn’t distract your team. This happened for maybe five minutes in the OR.They made me leave early to head to the NICU and you took a different route. We met back about the same time at your room, when I quickly picked back up my sobbing chants of love. I didn’t know how long you would be with us and I wanted to give any love I could. Anything.I felt helpless and like a failure as a father, wondering and worrying if you would ever know love. All my prayers at this point were just that you know love, whether it was mine or gods after you left, i needed you to feel it and know it. I was frightened you might not. So in our room they moved you into your incubator and I keep chanting while your team kept caring for you in the way they knew how. They were clearly amazing. After 15 minutes or so in your room I felt different. I was a father.Everything was different. I loved you. I loved my daughter. I was a father and I would be forever. No matter what happened after that moment I was changed. I had a daughter. I stepped back up to your incubator and looked at you and I saw my daughter.You had already changed me forever. I loved you forever in that moment. Forever, until after my death and after yours. I had never experienced that LOVE before. No one could have ever communicated that right there. No moment in my life would ever be like anything I’ve ever had before. Anything I’ve ever suffered through or pain I’ve withstood was all worth it in an instance. I was complete and yet still wanted o much more. I wanted to hold you and whisper to you and cry with you and kiss your boo boos. I wanted to teach you about boys help you with homework. I wanted to see you someday finally understand my love for you when you had that moment with your child. Even without it that moment was everything I needed.

I had a few joyful minutes there gazing at you in your new room.Your team soon shuffled me away as you needed a sterile procedure and I had to leave.My thoughts returned to your mother. I hadn’t seen her in awhile and was what felt like a mile away. The nurses guided me back to her recovery team where I came across Chelsea the nurse that had already prayed for you and cried with us and held your mother’s hand. She told me Kayla was fine and finishing up being sewn back together and I had 15 minutes or so to spare. I sat down in a chair and took a moment with God. I was thankful what he had given us, time with you. I instantly felt calm and comfortable.That minute with God felt like joy. It felt like a scenic stopping point on a long hike. I felt beauty in the craziness that is life. I soon realized I had a huge waiting room full of people ready to hear about you and mom.

I hurried down the hall to a room full of friends and family. Your first day you had Nana, Papa, Grandma, Uncle Eric and Aunt Erin, Uncle Alex, My pastor Lori, my friends Brian, Jess, Bill, Kathy, JD, Luke, Tiffany, Jeremiah, Kelsie, and Lindsay King(mother of previously preemie twin boys) all ready to love you, your mother and I. We also had countless texts, calls and messages from friends and family. You had hundreds of people praying for you before they ever saw you. You are loved. So loved, and you deserve all of it.

After hugs and prayers and kind words from “our team” I left the waiting room to return and wait for your mother in the surgery recovery room. She was wheeled in the same time i stumbled in. We immediately shared I love yous and she begged to know how you were. I shared everything I knew. She was thankful you were okay, but still full of fear. She didn’t have time to even see you in all the commotion. She had been on the verge of passing out during the surgery and had been alone with her team of amazing people, but complete strangers. I felt for her. Her journey was more difficult than I could ever know. She did so good. I am literally amazed. You  should be so proud, I know I am. She broke down in tears of fear multiple times that day. She kept telling me she loved you. She had yet seen you and was full of love for you. Chelsea the nurse told us we would be in recovery room for about 2 hours before she could see you on the way back to her room. We cried and stared at the wall and ceiling and muttered word of love and encouragement before each of us slipped into sleep for what felt like an instant before, Chelsea came and got us to come see you.

I was excited to see mom see you. I was also scared as I was when I first saw you. I knew that with the joy of seeing also came hurt. It hurt to see you so small and not being able to hold or even touch you. I knew your mom would love it and also feel helpless and sad as I did hours before Kayla for her oncoming hurricane of emotions. I shared a little about my experience, i’m sure it didn’t help her, but I think it helped me. Chelsea pushed you moms bed right up next to your incubator. The NICU nurse lowered your bed so mom could see. She cried and cried. I saw joy, fear and sadness and her being proud all on your moms face all at once. It was beautiful, you were beautiful, I was a dad, we were a family.  We only got to stay a couple minutes before we had to go to your moms room.

I had the privilege of showing you off to my mom, Kayla’s mom, and Lindsey on 3 trips that first evening. I also came and saw you once by myself. I was so proud. You are beautiful and perfect in every way. I can sure you God made no mistake in making you. The circumstances were tough, but so are you. I was able to sing and talk to you from your room. I loved it. You were covered from lights by a blanket over your incubator. I wasn’t able to always see you but I felt such joy just being in the room with you. I was a dad hanging out with his daughter. I felt complete in a way I never knew was possible.

Your mother and I laid together in her room trying to take in the day and understand what had just happened. She was in pain and wanted to hold and and see you. We shared a turkey sandwich and conversation that felt like two zombies or aliens or two people with zero brain power left to be sensical speakers. Her and I drifted off to sleep in a cold hospital room equal parts sore and exhausted but at our core we were happy.