Day 1, 2-4-17, your birthday

Day 1, 2-4-17, Your birthday:

Hello baby,

Your mother and I got to meet you today. It was wonderful. You were an early surprise. We’ve been in the hospital since Monday. Your mother passed out and fell in the bathroom. She has a big bruise. The doctors think the fall tore your placenta and shook you around a little. Well your mother’s bleeding slowed over the days, but last night it picked up a little and your mother had some cramping. We still thought we were headed home today, we were told that yesterday too, but this morning you decided to try and fight your way out. I went down to the cafeteria to get breakfast and upon returning your mom told me “Something is coming out of me!!!” I assumed she meant blood or fluid but it turns out it was your foot. Now that seems a little funny but we were frightened. The doctor came in and after about a 5 second exam declared we were going to the delivery room.

At this point your mother and I freaked a bit. I remember just thinking just keep mom calm. I remember repeatedly saying to have faith and trust me and that you were gonna be OK. We were wheeled into the delivery room and they gave me scrubs to change into. I had a mask and everything. They wheeled mom into the OR for prep. I was able to go in a few minutes later. They had the sheet up and led me in by mom’s head. They had 8 or so people assisting with the C Section. They also had 6 people waiting with a little bed devoted to caring for you. I felt them pull you out of mom, I only caught a glimpse of you when they scooted by to place you on your bed. Immediately all of your team was performing. It looked complicated and not fun for you. They cleaned you up and started intubation and IVs within seconds. I returned focus to mom. Her and I were both crying uncontrollably. After a moment back with mom I wanted to take a closer glimpse at you. I was scared to  look closely. I had to pause and gather courage. I didn’t know how you were doing and I was frightened to my core. I stood up and took two steps only to collapse momentarily. I remember my butt hitting my heels as I came to. I hear a “He’s going down!” Coming from the herd of medical professionals congregating at your mom’s lower half. I was quickly returned to my stool at mom’s head. Seeing you had to wait. I was scared to death and had no idea what to do. I gathered strength it would take for the at most 8 step journey to see you. When I arrived I saw you. I didn’t know what to think other than fear. I didn’t know you would be that small. I dropped to my knees again but  this time fully aware and drowned in tears prayers and fear. I hadn’t felt the joy of fatherhood yet.I returned to mom and told her you looked great, I felt like I was lying and didn’t know what else to say.

Keeping an eye on you from the stool by mom’s head I noticed your team gathering you for  trip to NICU where you will stay for months to come. I was designated to come with you. I was helpless and had no way of helping you.I kept telling you “I LOVE YOU Holland, Your Daddy loves you over and over at a level I hoped you could hear but wouldn’t distract your team. This happened for maybe five minutes in the OR.They made me leave early to head to the NICU and you took a different route. We met back about the same time at your room, when I quickly picked back up my sobbing chants of love. I didn’t know how long you would be with us and I wanted to give any love I could. Anything.I felt helpless and like a failure as a father, wondering and worrying if you would ever know love. All my prayers at this point were just that you know love, whether it was mine or gods after you left, i needed you to feel it and know it. I was frightened you might not. So in our room they moved you into your incubator and I keep chanting while your team kept caring for you in the way they knew how. They were clearly amazing. After 15 minutes or so in your room I felt different. I was a father.Everything was different. I loved you. I loved my daughter. I was a father and I would be forever. No matter what happened after that moment I was changed. I had a daughter. I stepped back up to your incubator and looked at you and I saw my daughter.You had already changed me forever. I loved you forever in that moment. Forever, until after my death and after yours. I had never experienced that LOVE before. No one could have ever communicated that right there. No moment in my life would ever be like anything I’ve ever had before. Anything I’ve ever suffered through or pain I’ve withstood was all worth it in an instance. I was complete and yet still wanted o much more. I wanted to hold you and whisper to you and cry with you and kiss your boo boos. I wanted to teach you about boys help you with homework. I wanted to see you someday finally understand my love for you when you had that moment with your child. Even without it that moment was everything I needed.

I had a few joyful minutes there gazing at you in your new room.Your team soon shuffled me away as you needed a sterile procedure and I had to leave.My thoughts returned to your mother. I hadn’t seen her in awhile and was what felt like a mile away. The nurses guided me back to her recovery team where I came across Chelsea the nurse that had already prayed for you and cried with us and held your mother’s hand. She told me Kayla was fine and finishing up being sewn back together and I had 15 minutes or so to spare. I sat down in a chair and took a moment with God. I was thankful what he had given us, time with you. I instantly felt calm and comfortable.That minute with God felt like joy. It felt like a scenic stopping point on a long hike. I felt beauty in the craziness that is life. I soon realized I had a huge waiting room full of people ready to hear about you and mom.

I hurried down the hall to a room full of friends and family. Your first day you had Nana, Papa, Grandma, Uncle Eric and Aunt Erin, Uncle Alex, My pastor Lori, my friends Brian, Jess, Bill, Kathy, JD, Luke, Tiffany, Jeremiah, Kelsie, and Lindsay King(mother of previously preemie twin boys) all ready to love you, your mother and I. We also had countless texts, calls and messages from friends and family. You had hundreds of people praying for you before they ever saw you. You are loved. So loved, and you deserve all of it.

After hugs and prayers and kind words from “our team” I left the waiting room to return and wait for your mother in the surgery recovery room. She was wheeled in the same time i stumbled in. We immediately shared I love yous and she begged to know how you were. I shared everything I knew. She was thankful you were okay, but still full of fear. She didn’t have time to even see you in all the commotion. She had been on the verge of passing out during the surgery and had been alone with her team of amazing people, but complete strangers. I felt for her. Her journey was more difficult than I could ever know. She did so good. I am literally amazed. You  should be so proud, I know I am. She broke down in tears of fear multiple times that day. She kept telling me she loved you. She had yet seen you and was full of love for you. Chelsea the nurse told us we would be in recovery room for about 2 hours before she could see you on the way back to her room. We cried and stared at the wall and ceiling and muttered word of love and encouragement before each of us slipped into sleep for what felt like an instant before, Chelsea came and got us to come see you.

I was excited to see mom see you. I was also scared as I was when I first saw you. I knew that with the joy of seeing also came hurt. It hurt to see you so small and not being able to hold or even touch you. I knew your mom would love it and also feel helpless and sad as I did hours before Kayla for her oncoming hurricane of emotions. I shared a little about my experience, i’m sure it didn’t help her, but I think it helped me. Chelsea pushed you moms bed right up next to your incubator. The NICU nurse lowered your bed so mom could see. She cried and cried. I saw joy, fear and sadness and her being proud all on your moms face all at once. It was beautiful, you were beautiful, I was a dad, we were a family.  We only got to stay a couple minutes before we had to go to your moms room.

I had the privilege of showing you off to my mom, Kayla’s mom, and Lindsey on 3 trips that first evening. I also came and saw you once by myself. I was so proud. You are beautiful and perfect in every way. I can sure you God made no mistake in making you. The circumstances were tough, but so are you. I was able to sing and talk to you from your room. I loved it. You were covered from lights by a blanket over your incubator. I wasn’t able to always see you but I felt such joy just being in the room with you. I was a dad hanging out with his daughter. I felt complete in a way I never knew was possible.

Your mother and I laid together in her room trying to take in the day and understand what had just happened. She was in pain and wanted to hold and and see you. We shared a turkey sandwich and conversation that felt like two zombies or aliens or two people with zero brain power left to be sensical speakers. Her and I drifted off to sleep in a cold hospital room equal parts sore and exhausted but at our core we were happy.